Raising Girls: How Do We Take Off the Bubble Wrap Without Passing On Our Fear?

It started as a completely innocent conversation in the car.

My husband and I were talking about our eldest daughter getting older and my fears around this next stage of raising girls.

She's reaching an age where we have to start giving her a little more freedom.

And that means my job as her mum is beginning to change too.

I can't always stand in front of her and protect her from everything anymore. I'm having to learn how to step to the side, give her space to experience life for herself and trust that everything we've taught her will help her navigate it.

And somewhere during that conversation, my husband and I realised something.

Our experiences of being teenagers had been quite different.

Not necessarily because we were completely different teenagers.

But because I was a teenage girl and he was a teenage boy.

Is raising girls different to raising boys?

I should probably start this by saying that I have two girls.

I have never raised a boy, so I'm definitely not here to tell anybody what raising boys is like or to suggest that boys don't experience fear, difficult situations or their own pressures growing up.

Of course they do.

But talking to my husband made me realise there were things I'd automatically done as a teenage girl that hadn't really formed part of his experience.

And the biggest difference I noticed was fear.

Or perhaps not even fear exactly.

Awareness.

Being constantly aware of your surroundings and what could potentially happen.

It was so normal to me that I hadn't really considered it until I started thinking about my own daughters having to learn the same things.

The things I learnt to do as a girl

When I was younger and going out, there were things I just knew to do.

Watch your drink being poured or opened.

If possible, drink from a bottle.

Keep your drink with you.

Know exactly where it is.

Don't accept a drink if you haven't seen it being opened.

Be aware of who's around you.

Know who's walking behind you.

Think about how you're getting home.

When getting into a taxi, we'd make sure the boys got in first rather than the girls.

Read the situation.

Read people's intentions.

Be aware.

Be careful.

Be on guard.

They became normal little extra steps.

I didn't spend every night out terrified. I had fun. I enjoyed being young.

But that awareness was always somewhere in the background.

When I talked about these things with my husband, I realised he hadn't needed to think about many of them in quite the same way.

And suddenly I wasn't remembering them as the teenage girl who had experienced them.

I was looking at them as the mother of two girls who may one day experience them too.

That feels completely different.

How do you teach safety without teaching fear?

This is the bit I'm struggling with.

How do I prepare my daughters for the world without making them afraid of it?

Because I want them to have freedom.

I want them to go out with their friends.

I want them to travel.

I want them to fall in love.

I want them to make ridiculous teenage decisions and come home with stories they'll still be laughing about when they're forty.

I don't want their first taste of independence to come with me handing them a giant list of all the terrible things that could potentially happen.

But I also have a responsibility to prepare them.

At some point there are conversations I have to have with them about drinks, relationships, consent, travelling home, personal safety and trusting their instincts.

There comes a point where you have to explain that unfortunately not everybody has good intentions.

And I hate that.

Because how do you take the bubble wrap off without replacing it with the heaviness of everything they need to be aware of?

Moving from in front of them to beside them

This is a stage of motherhood I don't think I ever really thought about.

When they're little, keeping them safe can feel much more physical.

Hold my hand crossing the road.

Don't touch that.

Put your helmet on.

Stay where I can see you.

As they get older, you can't physically protect them from everything anymore.

You have to start stepping back.

Or maybe stepping sideways.

You're still there.

But you're not necessarily standing between them and the world.

And I find that really hard.

Because you know they're going to have experiences you can't control.

Some will be brilliant.

Some will hurt.

Some will teach them things.

And there may be situations where all you can do is hope that something you've said over the years comes into their head at exactly the moment they need it.

I don't want to hand my fear down to my daughters

I think this is the part I'm trying to work out.

Some of my fear comes from my own experiences.

When I think about things I experienced growing up and imagine my daughters potentially finding themselves in similar situations, my instinct is to protect them from all of it.

Wrap them back up.

Keep them home.

Tell them every possible thing that could go wrong so they're prepared for absolutely everything.

But that wouldn't really be protecting them either.

I don't want my experiences to become their fear.

I don't want them entering every new situation assuming something bad is going to happen.

I want them to feel confident.

I want them to trust themselves.

I want them to know that they can say no.

I want them to know that no is enough.

I want them to recognise when something doesn't feel right and feel confident enough to act on that feeling.

And most importantly, I want them to know that whatever happens, they can always come to me.

Maybe that's where I need to channel the fear.

Not into teaching them to be frightened of the world.

But into giving them the confidence and tools to navigate it.

Raising girls and boys isn't a competition

I also don't think this needs to become another girls versus boys conversation.

This isn't about saying that raising girls is harder than raising boys.

I wouldn't know. I've never raised a boy.

And boys have their own pressures, expectations, fears and conversations that parents have to navigate.

Perhaps part of raising the next generation is actually making sure we're having conversations with all of them.

Talking to our girls about consent, safety and healthy relationships.

But talking to our boys about those things too.

Talking to all our children about boundaries.

Talking about respect.

Talking about emotions.

Talking about what healthy relationships look like.

Teaching them to look after themselves and each other.

Because maybe the goal shouldn't be simply teaching our daughters how to stay safe in the world as it is.

Maybe it should also be raising a generation that helps make that world safer.

This stage of motherhood feels different

I'm still working this one out.

There isn't a lovely conclusion where I tell you I've found the perfect balance between freedom and safety.

I haven't.

I'm standing right in the middle of it.

I'm trying to work out how much to say, when to say it and how to have those conversations without putting my own fear onto my daughters.

Because I want them to explore their freedom rather than be scared of it.

But I also want them prepared for the reality of the world they're walking into.

And I have a feeling I'm not the only mum standing here wondering how on earth we're supposed to do both.

So maybe this is one we work out together.

How have you handled this stage with your children?

How do you talk about personal safety without creating fear?

And if you've already raised teenagers or older children, what do you wish you'd known when you reached this stage?

I'd genuinely love to hear from you.

Every Mumma Matters.

I talk more about raising girls, taking off the bubble wrap and the conversation that started all of this in this week's Mumma Chats.

Listen to Mumma Chats Episode 2: Raising Girls, Pregnancy Loss Leave & Breastfeeding in Public