Why We Feel the Pressure to Be the Perfect Mum
Why We Feel the Pressure to Be the Perfect Mum
We all know that motherhood comes with a thousand different pressures, but one of the biggest and most exhausting is the pressure to be the perfect mum.
In this week’s Super Mumma Podcast, I chat with writer and journalist Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett, author of The Republic of Parenthood. Her book gathers her honest reflections and those of other parents on modern motherhood, and as we talked, it was clear how deeply the myth of the “perfect mother” runs through so much of our experience.
The endless pressure to be perfect
Rhiannon shared how even her own mum noticed how much more pressure modern mothers face. We’re constantly bombarded with advice, opinions, and ‘expert’ tips from health visitors, social media, and the endless midnight Googling. It’s no wonder so many of us feel like we’re doing it wrong.
As Rhiannon put it, our mums had one parenting book they could toss across the room if it didn’t fit their baby. We’ve got hundreds of voices online telling us how we should be doing it, all while showing us picture perfect homes, spotless nurseries, and babies who apparently never cry.
And it starts so early. Before our babies even arrive, we’re scrolling Pinterest for the “perfect nursery”, convinced that we need coordinated bedding, Farrow & Ball walls, and designer cots. I laughed (and winced) remembering how much time I spent decorating my daughter’s room, a room she didn’t even sleep in for the first year!
Why “perfect” motherhood doesn’t exist
The truth is, perfection in motherhood is a fantasy. It’s not even real for the mums selling it to us online, as Rhiannon reminded me, many of those influencers are paid to sell that lifestyle. Behind the beige filters and smiling faces, they’re freelance content creators, not stay at home mums with endless hours to bake bread from scratch.
And yet we fall for it, because being a mum can feel so lonely. With so little real life support, it’s easy to look for validation online, even when it leaves us feeling worse. We compare, we self criticise, and we carry a heavy load of mum guilt.
Rhiannon described it perfectly: “Sometimes the shame we feel isn’t even ours, it’s society’s shame. Of course we feel unwell when we’re isolated. We’re not meant to do this alone.”
The invisible mental load
We also talked about the mental load, that invisible list in our heads of everything that needs to be remembered, planned, and done. It’s the appointments, the washing, the food shopping, the birthday cards, the emotional wellbeing of everyone in the house… and it can crush you if it’s all on your shoulders.
Both Rhiannon and I found that so much of that load we put on ourselves. Not because our partners expected it, but because we felt like we should be able to do it all. That’s what a good mum does, right? But it’s a lie we’ve inherited, one that needs unlearning.
Learning to let go of mum guilt
When we talked about guilt, we both agreed it never really disappears, it just changes shape. Whether it’s leaving your child to go to work, cutting their hair and accidentally nicking a finger (we’ve all been there!), or feeling like you’re not doing enough, that guilt creeps in.
But Rhiannon made such an important point, being a good mum isn’t about doing everything. It’s about knowing your limits, asking for help, and creating space to be yourself. Because when you take care of your own wellbeing, you’re a better mum for it.
About The Republic of Parenthood
If you haven’t read Rhiannon’s book yet, The Republic of Parenthood is a must for any mum who’s ever felt the weight of trying to be perfect. Rhiannon began writing it in the final weeks of her pregnancy, planning to document in real time what it means to be a parent in Britain today. But when her son was born five weeks early, she found herself catapulted into parenthood, a world of crushing love, fear, and hope.
Drawn from her brilliant and compassionate Guardian columns, and featuring a brand new introduction and afterword, The Republic of Parenthood is a fearless, funny, and deeply moving account of those first chaotic years. Rhiannon writes with razor sharp honesty about the joyful, overwhelming, and messy realities of being a parent, from the broken childcare system to the search for a pair of socks that can survive a toddler’s determination.
It’s striking, beautifully written, and refreshingly real, a love letter to every weary parent trying their best and a reminder that something so deeply personal is also political. This is the kind of book that will make you laugh, cry, and feel a little less alone in your own motherhood story.
Redefining what it means to be a “Super Mumma”
This episode was such a beautiful reminder that there’s no such thing as a perfect mother, only real ones, doing their best in an imperfect world.
As Rhiannon said at the end of our chat, “I’m a Super Mumma because I’m still standing.”
And that’s what I want every mum reading this to remember. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have the spotless house, the perfect nursery, or the calm bedtime routine. You just have to keep going, even when it’s messy, loud, and far from Instagram worthy.
So if today you got up, fed your kids, and survived another day of motherhood, you’re already a Super Mumma in my book.
